My first year of life began just a few months ago when I finally had contact with the soul with in my body. I give special thanks to a very lovely man I met. He showed me so much, gave me so much and loved and appreciated who I was. No one had ever treated me the way he did. He’s the second reason I want to better myself. So what you are about to read is dedicated to him and the great change he did in my life.

We are all told that we are different but society and the groups of people that compose it and under which we belong to say otherwise. According to these groups you must have a series of characteristics in order to fit and not be left out. Among those things is the constant battle we females have to be skinny because otherwise we don’t find ourselves beautiful. Other things we must have to be considered “beautiful” are: big breast, sex appeal, stunning eyes, sense of fashion, good manners, submissive to men, very feminine, amongst other facts. Ladies, when did we stop focusing on being human and began to search for perfection? Perfection is a word and meaning that can not be acquired by men or god.

Since I can remember my mother, whom I love no matter what, has always made emphasis on my weight. She would say “no comas mucho que engordas y te quiero finita”, the sentence is Spanish for “don’t eat a lot or you’ll gain weight and I want you to stay skinny”. Now that I am older I understand my mom only wanted me to be happy, she’s a great woman believe it or not. The reality of this situation is that anyone in my position would have taken grudge against their mother without trying to understand or see under which intention she said those words.

   * weight: insecurity # 1

As I mentioned before society determines a lot of things for you, religion, politics, the way you dress, even the way you think. I’ve been visiting church since before I was born but as reason began to come in me I could never fully believe in what was being preached to me. Mom and dad told me god was loving, forgiving and absolute, therefore we had to praise him. I found out the hard way that god is just a creation of our minds and that religions only seek to control us. I was also taught to respect my elders yet I learned to fear them. What I’m trying to state here is that because I fear the figure of authority I sometimes don’t stand up for myself and/or don’t speak my mind. I’ve had a hard time telling my mom I don’t believe in any religion, I’m not an atheist but I’m not a believer.

   * speaking my mind: insecurity # 2

Beauty is irrelevant. What my definition of beauty is may be unattractive to someone else yet we/I still chose to make of it a big deal. We look in the mirror to make sure that what others see in us is the closes thing to physical perfection, to avoid having them find a flaw in you. The truth is no matter how much we try to fix ourselves someone will find something to criticize.

   * physical beauty: insecurity # 3

I was told by my psychologist that I have an analyzing brain. This means I over think, observe and interpret things that normally people would not notice. This factor in me is both positive and negative. I love to write and my analyzing and full of imagination brain helps with this passion I have. The negative aspect is that I think and rethink, analyze, interpret, observe obsessively every movement I make and when it comes out wrong, even if is not my fault, I blame and torture myself constantly with what happened and what I could have done to prevent. This affects greatly my relationship with friends & family. A consequence due to my analytical brain is my distrust in people. I only wish talking what goes on in my head would help but it doesn’t, the pain always remains.

About six or seven months ago I had an emotional break down, the pain was no longer bearable. After this incident I began to get professional help. Things have been going well but the pain is still present and so are my many insecurities. I’m working on this, the process is very slow but effective. It all depends on how much you are willing to better yourself.

This past year has been horrible, so much drama went on, so much pain, tears, thoughts, amongst other things that got me to think. The conclusion I got to was I don’t know who I am. Eighteen years of life and I’ve lived nothing, I wasted my time, so now I’m determined to finding out what’s behind the face I hold. My purpose and main focus at the moment is doing well in college and discovering myself. After I’ve fully or mostly accomplishing this goal I’ll set out to find and fulfill another great passion of mine which is love and be loved. I’m to young and naive to be in a relationship, I’ll destroy him if he’s not sure of himself.

A lot of people have in a lot worse then I do yet they bring themselves to smile every day, I admire them for that. If I’m venting out here and took the time to express all of this is not to gain sympathy but to try and give hope so some reader out there. To let them know that they are beautiful, to remind them that society can determine a lot of things, it can chain you down. Your mind is the most powerful weapon in this universe it can do anything you set yourself to do, even break with the painful curses, chains society has tied to you. The mind in hunger can not work so also remember to feed in with knowledge and your powers and weapons to battle will become stronger. A quote that I must state is this: “He/She who does not know his/her past will be tied to repeat it.” Learn from your past, your mistakes and I assure you pure victory but, have patience and gain knowledge.

Dear: Heroines

My name is Josi, I’m 18 years young, I weight 164 pounds, my height is 5’8 and I live in Puerto Rico. I recently began the best year of my life, college and the journey to finding myself. I was admitted as an English Literature student but did a transfer to Sociology, best decision I’ve done in a long time. This new course I’ve taken will give me part of the tools I’ll need in my battle against society because just like I’m a victim of it many beautiful women are too, I want to fight for them & myself. Now the final question is, will you join me in this war to break the chains that society and we have tied on our ankles and wrist?

Love, you new friend…
Josi.

*Sorry for making this so long, my writing class has got me inspired.

i’m really glad i finally got to meet you Josi!  you seem to have come a long way in your 18 years.  and you are so beautiful, i love your photo and the light on your face.

i can understand a bit of how you must feel.  i too analyze everything and sometimes over think things.  but i found this to be a good thing, just as long as you analyze and understand and use that to improve.  mistakes are a good thing.  someone who has made no mistakes in life has much to learn.

i know one person can make a difference, and i know you can make a difference.  i’m nothing special, i just started seeing things differently and i wanted people to know that there is someone that loves them and cares about them and will see them for who they are… and if nothing else, maybe i can make them smile for just a bit …i don’t usually like to talk about myself on here, but i want you to know that you can make a difference.  you are an inspiration, and you are a beautiful person… and i know someone will read what you wrote and see things a little different, and maybe like themselves a little bit more… and yes, i will join you.

it’s a pleasure to meet you Josi.  by the way, i lived in Puerto Rico for a year and a half and i loved it!

love, your friend :)

matt

…show me you