I love a man who can’t trust me anymore, who came to town after a few months of having this virtual connection, not having seen each other at all, while I dated an ex of mine and got laid with another. He couldn’t stand I didn’t wait for him and never wanted me back, although I am ‘his soulmate’ and so is he. Last spring we seemed to find a way to work things out and start a real thing for once, had a couple of dates, then told me he’d move to his hometown again to go to Med School. Thought it was gonna be already summer when he’d leave, so we could have a chance to a proper goodbye, if not a relationship, then he left without telling me it was for good. I had to find out from common friends and whatnot, cried for a week, lived on tea and been depressed ever since. We haven’t spoken in three months, because apparently he can’t seem to understand why I needed to talk to people about him and the things he said, as that would’ve made it easier for me to deal with the fact that he’s gone and will be so for at least 11 years. I’m lost and I cry at night and even though it’s been half a year the pain is still there, and I can’t be who I was before I met him, I can’t try to get involved in anything else. My greatest achievement is that I’m still alive.

my heart goes out to you Irina… you have to know that there is much greater to you than just being alive.  your passion, your beauty, your heart, the way you love.  i do believe that what should be will be.  and no, you can never go back to who you were.  everything you go through, everything you feel and see, everything changes you.  you can’t hold on to who you are or who you were and you can’t hold on to him.  love him, but love him unconditionally whether he is with you or not.  want him to be happy, even if he is not with you.  the more you love unconditionally, the less and less it will hurt.  it hurts because you want him for you.  you have to let him go.  you have to love him, not love him being with you.

let him go… and who knows how things will work out… but the harder you try to hold onto something, the more it wants to break free. 

find yourself, not who you were then, but who you are now.  you are a beautiful person with a wonderful heart who loves passionately and openly and you will let yourself be vulnerable… and that in itself is something great and something beautiful.  you are worth so much more than just the fact that you are still here… and i am glad that i could meet you Irina.  thank you… for the lovely photo and the letter.  you are so much more than you can see :)

love, matt

…show me you